I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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