I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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