I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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