Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
