There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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