I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
