Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
