I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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