Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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