my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
