two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
