Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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