I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I could make wine with my vomit
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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