i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
