I wanna bring you to show and tell
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
