Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
