At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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