Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
