planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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