sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
