I will die if light touches me.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
