i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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