He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
