when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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