I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
