By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
