Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
