i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
