just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize