Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
