Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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