So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
now i know why i became what i already was.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
