i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
People with herpes should wear stickers.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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