when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
