Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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