I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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