just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
