sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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