Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
