cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
