There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
