it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
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