Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She even gives head with a lisp.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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