I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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