Already got asked if we're dating
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
