oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
