My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
