Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
