all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
