So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
