Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
