He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Randomize
