So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
